


When It Comes Down To Dealin' Friends, It Never Ends

by Tito11



Series: I Had to Have This Talk With You (My Happiness Depends On You) [6]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, F/M, M/M, Mpreg, On Hiatus, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-07
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-22 18:02:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/916339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tito11/pseuds/Tito11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Of course, then he remembers Tony’s words to Wade and Peter: what goes around comes around. These babies were conceived by Steve doing something not so honorable. He tricked Tony, conceived directly against Tony’s will. Even if Tony’s come around to the idea and is incredibly pleased about these two new babies, it was still a terribly selfish thing to do. If any deities are actually out there watching, and Steve’s always thought that they probably are, he knows he needs to be careful. This pregnancy, for all that it’s a blessing, might also be way more complicated than Steve anticipated in ways he can’t even begin to imagine.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tribal!Au in which Steve and Tony are both excited and dismayed to find out they're having twins. Steve's got another worry, though, one that involves the way the twins were conceived. Of course, the situation certainly isn't helped by the mysterious new addition to the camp, one Steve thinks he just might know from a past life. What goes around comes around, and if Steve's past experiences are any indication, this pregnancy is going to be extremely complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, [BobhasRainbowVeins](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BobhasRainbowVeins) got me thinking about this story again, leaving me no choice but to listen to [Rose's wonderful podfics](http://archiveofourown.org/series/50971) of the series. So I did that and decided, why not finally write that fifth story that's been in it's beginning stages for far longer than I'd like to admit. So here it is.  
> Also, here's a new and improved [age chart](http://tito72.livejournal.com/4592.html), for your information.
> 
> title from Tequila Sunrise by the Eagles

It starts at the spring festival. They’re at the winter encampment, like always at this time of year, but their time there is drawing to a close. Steve knows that soon, he’ll have to pack up everything they own and take it all for a two week march back to the summer camp. They don’t really own that much, though, so it’s not so bad a task. Well, they don’t own much apart from their kids. Those they have plenty of, and Steve’s not looking forward to keeping them all from getting lost or trampled or beaten by any of the adults they’ve annoyed. It’s a harrowing task and every year, as they have more children, it becomes a little bit harder. It’ll be extra difficult this year, too, he knows, because of how incredibly pregnant he’s been feeling lately, despite only being four months.

But Steve tries not to think about that. He’s got a few weeks before he even has to start packing, so right now he just sits back and tries to enjoy the festival. The festival has everything a good celebration should: music, dancing, feasting, Tony by Steve’s side, all their friends and family around them. It’s also got Steve’s children causing problems, though, and that is something Steve has to deal with before anything else can happen.

“What exactly went down here?” Tony asks and Steve thinks that’s a perfectly valid question, one he’d like to know the answer to himself.

Steve used to think, after Wade was born, that nothing could surprise him anymore as a parent. Wade is the bad one, after all, even now that he’s very nearly four. By this point, though, Steve knows better than to assume he’ll ever not be surprised by the situations his children get themselves into. Case in point: Jan’s hair. Steve’ll be damned if he knows how it happened, but somehow, she’s managed to get something terribly sticky all through her hair. Also a pinecone and a large clump of grass. The sticky substance, which is probably pine sap, judging from the pinecone, is also all down her back and on little Carol’s cheek, as well.

At Tony’s question, both Peter and Wade back away sheepishly, hands behind their backs.

“Let me see your hands,” Steve demands, because he’s pretty sure he’s not going to like what he sees. “Both of you.”

It’s just as Steve suspected. Both of the boys are also covered in the mess, and from the way they’re the only ones with it on their hands, it’s a fair bet that they both had something to do with the sap getting onto their sisters. Tony just sighs, and Steve understands the impulse. Sap is nearly impossible to get out, and they’re probably going to have to cut Jan’s hair. It’s such a shame, too, because of all their children, Jan has hair most like Tony’s; Peter and Wade both have hair a lighter shade of brown and Carol, surprisingly enough, has Steve’s hair. Still, it looks like they’re not going to have a choice about it.

“What did you guys do?” Tony asks incredulously. “Please tell me you didn’t do this on purpose! I’ll accept if it was a freak accident, or maybe even some kind of ghost encounter, but if this was on purpose, I swear, you’ll all be on blanket folding duty for months.”

“It was a accident,” Peter tells him very solemnly and Wade nods viciously. “We were just playing.”

“Well, playing or not, you’re all going to have to take a bath,” Steve tells them.

It’s the absolute wrong thing to say, and really, Steve should know better by now. Peter shares Tony’s ideas about water and Jan’s been on a defiant kick for months where she refuses to hold still long enough to get in the tub. The only one who really likes baths is Wade, and that’s mostly because he enjoys splashing the water on anyone who gets too close. The end result is that as soon as they hear the word ‘bath,’ it’s absolute chaos. Peter and Jan both scatter, running as fast as they can in opposite directions.

Steve and Tony share a brief exasperated look before taking off after them. Steve goes for Jan, both because she’s easier to lift and because her little toddler legs don’t carry her very far. Since Tony’s the one not currently carrying a baby inside him, he goes after their faster, steadier child. By the time they get both of the runaways rounded up and back to their other two, Wade’s apparently been left unattended for long enough to have Carol standing up and taking wobbly little steps. It’s sweet, but also means that he’s getting his sticky hands all over any part of her that may have still been clean.

“At least they all get along,” Steve says, trying to find a bright spot to this whole thing. It’s true: his children almost never fight or if they do, it doesn’t last long.

“Yeah,” Tony agrees. “And this way, they can all gang up on us any time they want.”

That’s true as well, but Steve doesn’t have the energy to think about it.

“Come on,” he says. “You get the water and I’ll go see if Bruce has any more of that special soap left.”

“Don’t see why I have to get the water,” Tony mutters darkly. “You’re the one who thinks they need a bath.”

“Tony,” Steve says exasperatedly. Pepper was right, all those years ago when she said being married to Tony was like having an extra child, sometimes. “They can’t go around like this. Just think of how much damage they’d do if they stuck to everything they touched. Think of your inventions! Think of the horses!”

“Good point,” Tony concedes and goes to fetch the water.

Steve just sighs and goes to find Bruce. He’s at fire ring, still, enjoying the dancing and music with Pepper and Happy, the little angel. He laughs when Steve explains the situation, but obligingly gets up and goes to the healing tent for the special soap. Bruce is a genius with ingredients, really, and Steve relies on him for some concoction or other almost daily, which is why Steve never, ever gets annoyed that his child is so good when Steve’s are all demons. And on the odd occasion he does feel a slight pang of jealousy, he always just reminds himself that his children, for all that they’re terrible now, will likely grow up to be strong-willed and self-sufficient individuals. It’s just that sometimes, he also thinks that can’t happen soon enough.

Tony’s got the water in the basin by the time Steve gets back, and Wade’s already in there. He’s been splashing, too, judging by the way Tony’s got water all down his front. They both smile at Steve as he approaches, but Peter, who’s very firmly held in Tony’s grasp, just pouts.

“Here,” Steve says, handing over the soap.

“Thanks, cutie,” Tony says and winks. He takes the soap and immediately puts it to use on Wade. This means letting go of Peter, but Steve just gives the boy a raised eyebrow and a look, so he thinks they won’t have to endure a second escape attempt.

“You know,” Tony says conversationally to Wade and Peter. “I hate to tell you guys this, but what goes around comes around, if you catch my drift. I know you got your sisters sticky on purpose, and you’re both gonna pay for it, eventually, with something much worse than folding blankets. You just wait.”

Huh, Steve thinks, good advice. He also thinks guiltily of all the wrong things he’s done in the past few years and just hopes that whatever deity is out there, righting wrongs, they know that he’s wholly repentant for most of them. Not all, but most.

Then an especially forceful splash from the tub reaches him and Steve blinks water out of his eyes and gets back to bath time. After all, Tony needs all the help he can with these little monsters.

 

Two weeks later, as Steve and Tony are packing up their things for the migration while Pepper and Bruce watch the kids, Steve is hit with a particularly hard bout of vertigo as the baby inside him moves. This baby’s been especially active and while Steve’s grateful every time he feels it, since he’s honestly still a little nervous after the miscarriage, he also finds it extremely distracting.

“This baby’s going to be a runner,” Steve says, sitting down to rest. 

“Oh good,” Tony says drily. “Just what we need is another kid with a strong pair of legs.”  
He looks at Steve oddly, then, eyes him up. Steve’s worried Tony’s going to insist they go inside and make love while they still have the chance and also in honor of the baby being so active, but instead he says, “Is it just me or are you bigger than normal?”

Steve sighs and crosses his arms. He doesn’t like to talk about his weight and Tony knows it. He knows that Tony loves his body, has heard Tony promise he’ll never take anyone else to bed, but Steve still feels self-conscious about it sometimes. It’s vain, he knows, to be worried about how he looks, but sometimes he can’t help but feel so very unattractive.

“I don’t know,” he says stiffly. “I guess I feel like a buffalo, just like I always do by this point.”

“Yeah,” Tony agrees slowly. “But speaking as someone who’s catalogued every moment of every pregnancy for later solo use on those long hunter’s nights, you seem more like six months than four.”

“I guess,” Steve admits. “I have been feeling really pregnant lately.”

“Exactly,” Tony says. “I think maybe we should ask Bruce about it. Maybe we conceived earlier than we thought.”

“I don’t think so,” Steve says slowly, thinking back. He was down for about two months after the miscarriage before he decided to try again and during that time he and Tony didn’t so much as fumble around together. 

“Hang on,” Tony says excitedly. “This could be a sign from the gods. Maybe you’re pregnant with the Chosen One who’s going to unite the tribes and end all warring.”

“Maybe,” Steve says doubtfully. Tony’s such a goober sometimes, but Steve loves him enough to overlook it. “Let’s just wait and ask Bruce before you start planning anything too drastic.”

 

They do go and talk to Bruce about it, later that day, once most everything is packed up for the migration tomorrow. Bruce listens seriously to Steve’s concerns and not-so-seriously to Tony’s wild theories about uniting the tribes. He also has Steve strip so he can do an examination, which would be more embarrassing if they didn’t both sleep naked in the same tent. By this point, Steve’s modesty has been beaten out of him.

“I’m watching you,” Tony tells Bruce as he puts his hands on Steve’s belly. “Don’t think just because we need medical advice means you can cop a feel.”

Bruce just rolls his eyes and keeps on with his examination. Finally, he says, “Huh,” and pulls back. It’s not a bad sign, exactly, but Steve can’t help but getting nervous.

“What is it?” he asks, pulling his clothes back on. “Is it bad?”

“Not necessarily,” Bruce says. “The thing is, and I’m not positive here, but I think you might be having two babies.”

“Two?” Tony asks excitedly, and Steve can practically see the little hearts in his eyes. 

“Two,” Bruce repeats. “I’ve never seen it happen, but I’ve heard stories. The quicker weight gain might be chalked up to your body’s reaction to the miscarriage, but the unusual amount of movement makes me think I’m right about this. There’s no way to tell until they’re born, but you both might want to start preparing yourselves, just in case.”

“Thanks,” Steve says softly. He’s not sure how to feel about it, honestly. One the one hand, two babies will be a lot more work than one. That, on top of taking care of the other four kids, is going to be no easy task. Still, a baby is what Steve wanted and a baby is what he’s going to get. Two, even, and Steve knows he’ll love both of them as much as he does all the others. Plus, the way Tony’s looking at him right now, like he’s the best thing ever, is pretty encouraging, as well.

“Come on, Steve,” Tony says, grabbing Steve’s hand. “We’ve got some celebrating to do. Bruce, tell Pepper we’ll be by to pick up the kids a little bit later.”

Then he drags Steve off to the tent to take advantage of it while it’s still standing.

 

Later that night, once all the kids are finally down, Steve thinks about it again. Two babies. He never even knew that was possible and despite how much work that’s going to mean, he can’t help but be pleased. He never thought for a minute while he was poking holes in the buffalo skin that he was going to conceive two babies at once. He smiles, thinking about it. 

Of course, then he remembers Tony’s words to Wade and Peter: what goes around comes around. These babies were conceived by Steve doing something not so honorable. He tricked Tony, conceived directly against Tony’s will. Even if Tony’s come around to the idea and is incredibly pleased about these two new babies, it was still a terribly selfish thing to do. If any deities are actually out there watching, and Steve’s always thought that they probably are, he knows he needs to be careful. This pregnancy, for all that it’s a blessing, might also be way more complicated than Steve anticipated in ways he can’t even begin to imagine.

 

It’s not until a month later, though, when he meets the new addition to the camp, that he realizes how very right he was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> days and days later, I finally achieve what I've been promising since forever: an update! Not much happens in this chapter, but it sets the stage for what's to come ;)
> 
>  
> 
> The more research I do for this ridiculous piece of fanfic, the more I become convinced that it's set somewhere in central Asia sometime during the Iron Age, so maybe circa 1000 BC
> 
> also, as a minor warning, there's mention of physical punishment in this chapter, though nothing serious

The migration back to the summer encampment is every bit as stressful as Steve predicted. It’s not that his kids are any more wild and crazy than usual, but trying to keep them corralled while at the same time keeping them moving forward is quite a bit more difficult than just keeping them under control like he usually has to do when they’re at one camp or the other. Migration isn’t a complicated thing to do, really, but like everything else in Steve’s life, it becomes a whole lot harder with the addition of his demon spawn. 

“Let’s give them away,” Tony says one night at the supper fire about a week in. Their kids are all exhausted and therefore quiet for a change, which Steve would be pleased about if it weren’t for the reason behind their exhaustion. Together, he and Tony have thwarted two escape attempts, broken up three slap fights, stopped a rock-throwing session before it even got started, and it was only a spectacular dive on Tony’s part that saved Wade from being kicked by Dummy. Dummy’s not usually bad-tempered, but even he will kick out if someone stands directly behind him and pulls his tail for long enough. That last incident happened not even an hour ago, and Wade’s still sniffling occasionally from the spanking Tony gave him. Tony’s pretty upset about the whole thing, too and Steve knows just how he feels. They don’t usually smack their children, relying on other forms of punishment like boring chores or time-outs. Certain situations definitely call for it, though, like when they nearly get themselves killed doing something stupid. That doesn’t mean, however, that either Steve or Tony enjoys spanking them. Steve himself was raised pretty much like he’s raising his own kids, while his mother was still alive, anyway, but he’s gotten the impression, from things said here and there by Tony or Pepper that Tony got slapped around quite a bit as a child. It’s not that Steve can’t see Tony as a loud, disruptive child, but he also sees how badly Tony’s usually steady hands shake when he has to physically discipline his children. Steve doesn’t want their children to be traumatized for life, he just wants them to be safe. 

He also, despite how much trouble they are, wants to keep them. Tony’s joking, of course, and Steve laughs a little hysterically. “Who would take them?” he asks, because everyone in the whole tribe knows what pests they are. 

“Good point,” Tony admits. “But we could make them useful. I’ll just tie harnesses on them and they can pull our tent instead of Dummy. They’d probably do a better job of it, too, and not keep stopping every few minutes to eat grass like Dummy does.”

Steve smiles fondly at him and also at the kids sprawled all around him, all eating very slowly and yawning around the food in their mouths, with the exception of little Carol, who’s chewing on Steve’s hand with her three brand-new teeth and getting drool all down his arm. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he says, reaching out with his other hand to stroke Wade’s hair. “I’ve seen them eating worse things than grass.”

Tony just shrugs philosophically and cuddles Jan and Peter closer to him. “A little dirt never hurt anybody.” He looks down at the pile around him and then up at the other houses around the fire, some of which have started to break up. “A little music might just kill me, though, if it wakes these guys up the whole way.”

“We should get them to bed,” Steve agrees. He levers himself to his feet, Carol in his arms. It’s a struggle just getting up, and Steve thinks wistfully back to all those single pregnancies, where he’d been closer to six months before he started having problems like these. Once he’s standing, with a little bit of help from Tony, he shifts Carol up to lay against his shoulder. She immediately starts biting hungrily at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. “I know, baby,” he coos to her. “You’re hungry, I know. Just a few minutes, then you can have some milk, okay?”

Next to him, Tony shudders a little at the words and Steve eyes him narrowly. “We are not having sex,” he says sternly.

“We’ll see,” Tony says and winks at him.

Since the tents are all still folded and ready to be hitched back up to the horses in the morning, Steve and Tony just grab their blankets and their kids and set up camp a little way back from the fire, far enough for the music and laughing to be slightly quieter, at least. They spread the blankets out on the ground, leaving a few to use as a top layer to keep the lingering spring chill away. Once that’s done, Tony begins methodically stripping their kids out of most of their clothes while Steve eases himself back down onto the ground and strips off his own shirt. Carol latches onto his nipple the minute she sees it. At Steve’s indrawn hiss of breath from Carol’s teeth, Tony looks over. He stares, but Steve’s so used to it by now, Tony’s fascination with his nipples, that it doesn’t even phase him. Eventually, Tony tears his eyes away and goes back getting their kids all down for the night, laid out in a pile in the center of the blankets. He disappears for a minute after that and comes back with Happy, who settles down just as easily as the others. By the time all the older kids are cuddled together and mostly asleep, Carol’s apparently had her fill and is slumping against Steve’s chest. 

“Here,” Tony says and takes her from him. He puts her very carefully on the blanket between Peter and Jan. It’s a delicate process, because Carol’s only grown out of her basket within the last month, but she doesn’t wake up when Tony puts her down, so the night might just be a success after all.

Finally, after a seriously long day, Tony and Steve get to lie down. Tony’s hand goes automatically to Steve’s belly once they’re all tangled up together and starts to rub soothing little circles. The babies inside respond to the touch with movement, just fluttering for now, but Steve knows it’ll get more pronounced as they grow. He smiles, thinking about it, about two babies inside him instead of one.  
Tony must be thinking the same thing, because he leans over and kisses Steve softly. “Two babies,” he whispers. “Two babies. At the _same time_.”

“Yeah,” Steve agrees. “It’s pretty amazing.” He hesitates to think how much more trouble these two babies are going to cause, but he wants them so much he doesn’t even care about that. He hisses a little as Tony begins to nip at his neck, right where Carol’s bruises are. Tony always loves to make his own bruises there and Steve tilts his head back without even really thinking about it, giving Tony more room. Then he comes to his senses and pulls back at once. “Wait,” he says. “Tony, no. We’re not having sex out here in the open.”

“But I want to,” Tony whines. “I worked hard today. I deserve this.”

“No,” Steve repeats. “You can wait until we get to the summer camp and we get the tent set up again.”

“Fine,” Tony says petulantly. “But as soon as we get there, your ass is mine.”

“That’s always yours,” Steve tells him around a yawn. “How do you think we got these babies?”

“Oh, is that where babies come from?” Tony asks innocently. “Wait until I tell Billy.”

“Don’t you dare,” Steve says, feeling rather protective of the kid. “The absolute last thing that boy needs is to get pregnant before he’s married and I just know he and Teddy have been wanting to experiment.”

“They’ll be fine,” Tony reassures him. “If they get any ideas, I’ll just let them use my buffalo skin invention. That sucker is foolproof.” Then he adds, rather accusingly, “Well, unless you poke holes in it.”

Steve squirms uncomfortably. He’s not going to apologize for that, especially since it achieved the desired results, but he’s been on the lookout lately for any retribution the gods might send his way. Apart from his children being especially rowdy lately, there hasn’t been anything of that nature yet. Steve’s going to keep looking, though, just in case.

“Well,” he says, wanting to change the subject. “They’re both good kids, anyway.”

“Yeah,” Tony agrees, sounding tired, too. 

“Goodnight,” Steve says softly. “I love you.”

“You, too,” Tony mumbles and presses his face into Steve’s neck again. It’s been a long, long day and Steve falls asleep before he even knows it.

 

 

By the time they get back to the summer encampment a week later, Steve’s so glad to be done with the migration that he nearly cries. It takes them the better part of the day to get the tent set up and all of their things settled inside it. Bruce and Pepper watch the kids, like usual, while Tony and Steve get first their own tent, then the healing tent put up. It’s nearly supper time when they’re done, so they go and rescue Pepper from their kids and thank her profusely for watching them.

“It was no trouble,” Pepper says, just like she always does, but they all know it’s it a lie. Steve’s kids are nothing but trouble, even on their best behavior. It’s like trouble finds them, some days. Still, no one was injured or lost during the day’s mayhem, so Steve counts it as a win. 

Supper is chaotic as usual, but apart from a bit of mashed corn that ends up in Tony’s hair and all down Jan’s front, the evening goes pretty well. In fact, looking back on the migration in its entirety, the whole thing went pretty well. There were no permanent injuries, after all, and everyone got back to the summer camp in one piece, so even though it was anything but peaceful, it wasn’t a terrible trip, all things considered.

Of course, just as Steve’s reflecting on this after supper, Clint comes over with Phil on his hip and a grave look on his face.

“Did you hear?” he asks, and Steve’s heart sinks, because he hasn’t, but he knows what this is about, anyway.

“A hunt?” he asks and Clint nods.

“Leaving tomorrow,” he says. “Just heard it from Village Elder Fury himself.”

Steve sighs. “Great,” he says darkly. He knows he shouldn’t feel so upset about hunts. The village needs meat and to get that, the heads all have to go on hunts. The good of the village isn’t always the good of the house, but this is one time when they need the same thing; if Steve’s children are going to get fed, Tony needs to leave on the hunts. That doesn’t make it easy, though. 

Clint doesn’t like it, either, Steve knows, and he’s got two fewer children than Steve and also isn’t pregnant with two more. They share a commiserating look, but both of them know it’s what has to be done. Rain or shine, two babies or four, the hunters must hunt and that’s just the way it is. The only thing Steve can do is take care of the house while Tony’s gone and hope Tony comes back alive and with meat.

 

 

The two very best parts of the hunt, as Tony will tell anyone who’ll listen, are the goodbye and the hello. Tony’s got a better chance of getting inside Steve before and after hunts than he does at any other time. And that’s a pretty hard thing to say, what with the way they’re usually all over each other every chance they get. Things have calmed down some since the first crazy few years of their marriage, but the love is definitely not gone. As evidenced by the two (TWO!) babies Steve’s got in him right now.

“Tony,” Rhodey says, elbowing him in the side. “Stop making that whimpering noise. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.” They’re sharing a bedroll, like usual, for both warmth in the spring chill and for convenience. It’s never exactly comfortable, sleeping next to Rhodey, but at least it beats sleeping next to Natasha, that she-devil. She brought down a buffalo by herself yesterday with her bare hands and her teeth, Tony swears. 

“I’m not doing anything,” Tony says, pulling his hand back up from where he may or may not have been touching himself and yanking on the blanket covering them. “Except freezing my ass off because you never learned to share.”

“Would you two shut up?” Natasha hisses from Rhodey’s other side. Rhodey goes silent immediately, because he has a healthy fear of the lady, but Tony’s not afraid, even if it sometimes looks that way. He’s totally not afraid and he sits up to glare at her. Then Natasha adds, “I hear something.”

“I don’t hear anything,” Rhodey whispers, sitting up, too. Then his eyes go wide and he scrambles back, saying, “Tony, behind you!”

And that is the exact moment Tony feels the knife in the small of his back.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] When It Comes Down To Dealin Friends, It Never Ends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/931818) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton)




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